Take a Gamble on Gambling
But know what you're getting into
In the early 1990s, Art Schlichter would ask for non-scheduled breaks from his radio show, so he could call his bookie. Art was very good at talking sports on the old WSAI, partly because he knew what he was talking about. Art researched his bets.
I know. I was his co-host.
Art conned the world. He was good at it, for awhile. I’m reminded of Pete Rose, who was adept at making us believe the moon was actually aged cheddar. In the summer of ‘89, when Giamatti’s hound dogs were on his tail, Pete could convince you he was Ty Cobb.
I know. I was there.
After games that year, I’d wait out the media pack until it was just Rose and me. He’d be in his little office at Riverfront Stadium, getting dressed or shaving. I’d go in there convinced the hound dogs had him dead to rights. I’d leave thinking they were barking up the wrong tree.
“We’re kosher on that Pick-Six,’’ Pete would say. “You’re reachin’, buddy.’’
Back in the press box, I’d have to breathe deeply and slap myself upside the head before I opened the laptop.
Gambling’s going legal in Ohio in five days. There will be any number of ways and means you can spend your money betting on sports. I’m not gonna stand in judgment here. If you’re a grown-ass man, you’re free to make your own choices. Ultimately, gambling favors the house, not you. Maybe you’re the exception to the rule. Inveterate gamblers never doubt that.
Casinos are not a boon to local economies, any more than pro sports teams are. Adding sports books won’t change that. An easy drive over to Indiana will confirm it.
Unlike, say, Churchill Downs on Derby Day, sports books are not festive places. They’re large, windowless rooms lined with banks of televisions. The passion created within isn’t exactly false, but it’s not genuine, either, unless your money is on a team you root for already.
There is no doubt that gambling has elevated the NFL to world-domination status. There is equal certainty that without gambling, March Madness would be a month-long, quasi-am b-ball junket to the Maui Invitational.
Who doesn’t gamble on sports from time to time?
Ultimately, it’s a sugar buzz. I didn’t think gambling could be an addiction, though. You couldn’t snort it, smoke it, mainline it or otherwise ingest it. Then l I watched Art Schlichter and I knew better.
A few days ago, an Enquirer columnist/Miami journalism professor wrote about gambling in Ohio. One of his students asked another RedHawks under grad why he wagered on sports. The answer was heartbreaking.
“It’s more like it’s a way for me to feel something,” he said. “Even losing, you feel like (crap) but at the same time, you feel alive.”
This, from a kid just starting his life.
For the least lucky and most OCD of us, “responsible gambling’’ is an oxymoron. For some of the rest of us, it’s part of the entertainment budget, no different than going to a restaurant or a production at the Aronoff. If you can walk into a casino, visit a kiosk or tap some selections into your iPhone, and you’re OK with spending (and losing) $100 on betting, have at it.
Too often, it’s not as simple as that. And it’s scary how accurate the touts are.
Now, then. . .
THE DEFINITION OF GOOD JUST TOOK A HIT.
“We found a way to beat a good team,” Zac Taylor said after the Bengals damned near didn’t win at New England Sunday. Actually, the Pats aren’t good. They’re in the same tepid league as the Bucs, whom The Men beat in similar fashion the previous week, i.e. by playing one very good half.
The Bucs and Pats are square in the center of the socialist NFL’s fat, bloated midsection.
Right now, there are five good teams: KC, Buffalo, Philly, San Fran and Cincinnati. Seven if you count Dallas and Minnesota. To me, they’re walking the fringe. One of the first five will win the Super Bowl.
How do The Men get their sequel?
Throw the ball. Three of the Top 5 rushing teams won’t make the playoffs: Chicago, Cleveland, Atlanta. The Bears lead the league in running yards. They’re 3-12. Yay.
Minnesota and the Chargers will make the dance. They’re in the bottom 5 toting the ball.
The Bengals are 26th in rushing yards and 28th in yards per attempt. Their QB is Joe Burrow. This isn’t hard.
Get the #1 seed. From boardroom.tv:
From 2010 to 2020, there were 112 non-Super-Bowl matchups in the playoffs. The home team won 62.5% of the time, winning by an average of 4.2 points per game. However, we have to retake a more detailed look:
Home teams in the wild card round only won 47.8% of the time, and by a margin of 0.65.
Home teams in the divisional round won 75% of the time, with an average margin of 5.72 points per game.
Home teams in conference championships won 68.2% of the time, with an average margin of 8.2 points per game.
If the season ended today, the Men would be seeded 3rd and most likely play the Chargers on wild card weekend. That could be problematic without Awuzie and possibly Hubbard. LA can throw the ball and defend the throw. The Bengals would need all the help they could get.
The next round could be easier. Baltimore, maybe, or even Jacksonville.
Cincinnati showed last year what homefield sometimes does not mean. But the positives of a bye and home-field throughout are substantial.
Don’t play it safe. The playoffs are not the time for right-wing decisions. Do not err on the side of caution. Go for it on 4th down. If Burrow-to-Chase can’t solve 1, 2 or 3 yards, you shouldn’t be in the game in the first place. You’ve got the diamonds on offense. Flaunt ‘em.
On defense, keep the ball in front of you. Play defense the way your opponents should be playing defense against you. Make their scoring drives be time consuming. Unless you’re playing KC, your quick strike potential is better than theirs. Use that to your advantage.
Get McPherson right. Last week was understandable. He was kicking a brick into big, capricious, Masters-in-the-pines winds. But overall he hasn’t been Money this year. He needs to be.
The Bengals are playing as well as anyone now, but the playoffs are coming and the playoffs are weird.
THIS PUTS TOSU INTO FOCUS. More specifically, the future of Ryan Day. From the always enlightening Dan Wetzel of Yahoo! Sports:
Day has a chance to immediately reverse the narrative about his program by beating Georgia and potentially even besting the Wolverines in what would be an epically tense national title game.
Or Ohio State can get run out of the joint by the Bulldogs, reaffirming that they aren’t a legitimate nation contender at this point and renewing questions about Day.
HOW COME NOBODY WORKS all week after Christmas? Do you take a vacation week, do you work remotely or do you just blow it off? Nobody on the roads commuting in the morning. I’m out there getting Jillian the Magnificent to her Metro bus stop. She’s working.
A great thing about retirement is, there is no vacation angst. For many years, my 7-day summer vaca went like this: Three days to decompress, one fantastic day, three days to gear back up.
On multiple occasions, I worked Xmas and Thanksgiving. Now, I don’t. I’m discovering a couple things about retirement:
I don’t do anything I don’t wanna do.
It’s pretty damned sweet.
TUNE O’ THE DAY. . . The l’il ol band from Texas. Always gets me jumpin’. How-how-how.
As it so happens, I'll be seeing Billy Gibbons and other Texas notables tonight at Antone's in Austin. Jimmie Vaughan was supposed to be playing in the annual jam session they call The Jungle Show" (with Sue Foley and Chris "Whipper" Layton) but had to cancel. Who knows who might show up in his place? You just never know.
I made a terrible mistake not bing born rich.
I borrow your old line all the time - My job beats working for a living, but it doesn't beat NOT working for a living.
As for gambling, this Johnny Thinwallet works too hard to indulge too often in something rigged against him. My BIL & I have gone out to Vegas a couple times for the NCAA tourney. And it was fun to abuse the buffets, sit in front of a TV bank for 16 hours, watch hoops, smoke cigars and bet $2 a game while the waitress brings comp cocktails. (They don't know those tickets in front of us aren't for big bucks. Or maybe they do and they don't mind somebody gaming them for a change.) But it was instructive. Watching grown man cry over a missed Bucknell FT - when his team won but didn't make the over - was not a path I wanted to go down. I'm happy it's here; criminalizing gambling is silly. There's even an outside chance a few of the tax dollars generated may do some good for our roads or schools or something useful. But I will be an occasional player at best.