Ravens will beat Bengals!

In your nightmares. Here's how.

(Lamar Jackson being attended to before the Big Game)

We’d like to say the Baltimore Ravens have a Buster Douglas chance against the Bengals in their wildcard contest Sunday. It’d just be more interesting that way. But now that Lamar Jackson has Tweeted “I can’t give 100 percent of myself’’ because of a knee sprain, well, all bets are off. (Unless you like the Under on the number of days Jackson remains a Raven.)

It’s been six weeks since Jackson last saw the field. Because unlike every other NFL player in the 19th week of a collision-sport season that began five months ago, he’s just not quite 100 percent.

All that said, there are no sure things in the NF of L. The Ravens could win. Otherwise, why play the game? Herewith, then, are some scenarios that could have us all crying in our Wiedemanns by 11:30 Sunday night:

• Lamar was just kidding about the whole sprained-knee thing.

• Unitas to Berry! (Lookitup, kids.)

• The Bengals miss their streetcar to PayJoe Stadium.

• Vontaze Burfict kidnaps Logan Wilson and steals Wilson’s 55 jersey. No one notices until the 4th quarter. By then, Burfict has committed unnecessary roughness six times, been called three times for unsportsmanlike conduct, broken the Ravens bench over his knee and blind-sided Joe Burrow just for the hell of it. The Ravens score three points off all the penalties and win the game, 3-2.

• Ray Lewis, Bart Scott and Ed Reed emerge from the set of Cocoon II feeling like they’re 25 years old.

• Art Modell decides Saturday night to move the Ravens to Delaware, then conveniently forgets to tell the Bengals. Roger Goodell says the Bengals should have known of the site change and awards a forfeit to the Ravens.

Art’s deceased, Doc.

Ever heard of cryogenics?

• Determining that gambling is now the league’s most important asset, Roger Goodell spots the Ravens the point spread to begin the game. Baltimore wins, 9.5-8.

• Joe Mixon flips Roger Goodell into the first row of seats behind the South end zone. Bengals fans eat him. Chef Hannibal Lecter provides the sauce. Mixon is suspended indefinitely.

(That was a movie reference, peeps. Silence of the Lambs. Lighten up.)

• Lamar Jackson arrives at halftime in a stretch chariot, seated in a Barcalounger. Seven nymphs paint his toenails. Ray Lewis, Bart Scott and Ed Reed line Lamar’s path with rose petals. “I have come to play football,’’ Jackson announces. Roger Goodell feeds Lamar grapes, then decrees that the Bengals not be allowed to pass-rush the rest of the game. Ahead 2-0 at halftime, Cincinnati can’t hold off the Jacksons. Baltimore wins, 3-2. Roger Goodell shows up on The Precinct menu.

It could happen. Never forget: These are the Bengals and this is the postseason.

Now, then. . .

ACTUALLY, The Men will win, 24-9.

BASEBALL ANNOYS ME AGAIN. NY Post:

The electronic strike zone will be used in all 30 Triple-A stadiums for the 2023 season, according to an ESPN report. The move is seen as a major step toward the technology soon being utilized at the highest level of the sport.

Half of the Triple-A games this year will be played with all of the calls determined by an electronic strike zone; the other half with the Automatic Balls and Strikes (ABS) challenge system similar to what is used in pro tennis, per ESPN.

How does this make baseball better?

Forever, I have been anti-replay, in all sports. That extends to this decision. I remain a sports Luddite.

(Luddite: One who is opposed to especially technological change, per Merriam-Webster)

Again: Sports are played by humans and coached by humans and watched by humans. Humans err, which is OK. It’s part of what makes them human. The idea was never to be perfect, because no one is, except Willie Mays.

Plus, robo-umps make obsolete the absolutely necessary and underappreciated art of pitch framing. Catchers who can’t hit their weight can make a great living if they’re good at “handling pitchers,’’ part of which involves fooling umpires with subtle positioning of their mitts.

If hitters were half as right as plate umpires, they’d all be Ted Williams.

Technology isn’t always the best thing.

THAT SAID, I’m fine with the other changes coming this season: The pitch clock will be great if it’s enforced. The shift ban will mean more base hits, thus more base runners, thus more action. Praise be.

Even enlarging the bases is a good idea. More running, more advantage to running.

I want to see how many hitters benefit from the shift ban, and who they are.

OTHER NFL GAMES THIS WONDERFUL FOOTBALL WEEKEND. . .

SF OVER SEATTLE. . . Niners have the best, hottest team going. Mr. Irrelevant Brock Purdy is anything but, the defense is smother-ous. Seahawks scraped to make the postseason. This has 10-point W potential. Niners, 23-13.

CHARGERS OVER JAX, SORT OF. The Jags beat LA 38-10 in Week 3, but Justin Herbert was hurt. Jags aren’t very good, but Trevor Lawrence gets better weekly. I like LA, but not by a lot. Say, 27-21.

GIANTS OVER VIKINGS. Minny is the most overrated team in the playoffs. I don’t like the Vikes pass D, I don’t like Kirk Cousins at winnin’ time, I don’t like that when the two teams played, the Giants outgained the Vikings 445-353. I do like Daniel Jones and Saquon Barkley. Jints, 30-27.

COWBOYS OVER BUCS AND I HATE THE COWBOYS. Talk about overrated, Dak Prescott oughta be a Viking. If he played anywhere but Dallas, he’d be Joe Prescott or Joe Bag-O-Prescotts. Still, Tampa hasn’t been good all year. I look at Micah Parsons v. Tom Brady and I don’t see a Tampa W. Dallas, 34-20.

BILLS OVER MIAMI. This one could be over by halftime. More lopsided than Bengals-Ravens. Bills have the emotion, the weather, the talent edge and the QB. Miami has Skylar Somebody. Hey-hey-hey-hey. Let’s go Buffalo. 34-13.