Jay's Christmas Extravaganza!

Cheap shots, bon mots, plus everything you could possibly imagine

The Christmas extravaganza kicks off with Hemingway deluxe Jay Brinker. Simply put, Jay is the Aaron Judge of Hemingways. He does it all for you, Mobsters. Without further ado:

The Comeback Line – Best of ’22 Awards

Good morning from Marco Island.  No bomb cyclone here.  Temps are supposed to be in the mid-70s today although iguanas are supposed to fall from the trees in some parts of the state.  BTW, the only meteorological term that approaches “bomb cyclone” for awesomeness is “thundersnow.”  Also, Falling Iguanas would be a great name for a band. 

This post marks the return of the year end sports awards I have bestowed in the past.  To mark the return, I have many “returning” themed awards.  2022 marked a return to close to where we were as a society in 2019.  We are not quite there with some Covid Never Enders and pockets of Mask Forever holdouts, but sports were fully back to normal.  Let’s begin.

Best Changed Stripes.  Bengals.  After years of mostly futility and the infamous 30 year drought between playoff wins, the Bengals broke the curse of Bo Jackson by winning a playoff game by defeating his former team.  A taste of success was not enough so they won two more playoff games.  So far this season they have avoided the usual misfortune of the previous year Super Bowl runner-up.

I do not have an answer to why the Bengals changed their stripes after operating the same way for so many years and thinking that their individuality was justified despite their abysmal results.  I do know that since 2020’s foray into the free agent market, every move except the signing of Trae Waynes has panned out.  Their drafts have also been decent.   To fix their offensive line, they signed offensive linemen who were not glamorous, but much better than what they had.  The depth across the roster has been incredibly helpful this year after several key players have missed significant time with injuries and the subs have filled in admirably.  Trenton Irwin anyone? 

Perhaps it is luck that this has happened.  We all know the Bengals have had more than their share of bad luck (Ki-Jana Carter’s ACL, Carson Palmer’s knee, Big Daddy busting, Tim Krumrie’s leg, Stanley Wilson’s cocaine run, Greg Cook’s arm etc.) so maybe things were meant to balance out.  I will give credit to Duke and Zac and the rest of management for finally joining the modern NFL and getting this right.

Most Welcome Return.  Paul Daugherty.  So happy to have Doc back starting our mornings.  16 year habits are hard to break especially when they are so enjoyable. 

Return That Has Not Panned Out.  Tom Brady.  When TB unexpectedly retired last February, he had thrown for the most yards in a season in his career and second most TDs.  He was ranked 1st or 2nd as the top QB depending on whether you prefer the PFF or the QBR rating.  After 40 days of retirement and a change in his head coach, he came back.  The results have been dismal.  In his defense, his offensive line has been decimated by free agency and injuries.  His receiving corps has been weak and Gronk has stayed retired.  The highlight of his season was leading a late comeback against the lowly Saints, quarterbacked by Andy Dalton, where it seemed he never threw further than 20 yards down field. 

For the record, am I the only one who thinks that his divorce is why he returned rather than the return causing the divorce?  Giselle was taking Brazilian Ju-Jitsu lessons from a handsome instructor for 10 months before his retirement and posting about it on Instagram.  There is a possibility TB saw writing on the wall and decided if she was not around, he might as well play football. 

Remarriages Can Work Out.  Sean Miller and Xavier.  The Muskies are 10-3 with their now near annual win over UC.  Miller did a good job with XU the first time around and left for one of the top jobs in college hoops.  He always had Arizona ranked and in the Elite Eight but he could never quite get them into the Final Four.  A return to XU where expectations are more reasonable will be beneficial to both parties, especially in the era of NIL where payments to players are legal. 

We Are Breaking Up Because of You. Luke Fickell.  We UC fans had deluded ourselves into thinking that Fickell would be here a while.  Notre Dame filled its opening with Marcus Freeman, the Michigan and OSU jobs are not opening in the foreseeable future, and UC is moving into the Big 12.  We were made more comfortable by his professed love for the city.  Why would he leave?

We were gut punched by the news that he was leaving for Wisconsin.  We then learned that he sent his wife, Amy, on a scouting visit  to Madison to see if it was a place they could live.  News was then revealed that he had approached Nebraska about their vacancy at the end of October. 

With the Pacman Jones “make it rain” cash being thrown at coaches, the expansion of the CFP, and the era of NIL paying for players (see the $5 million reportedly offered to UNC’s Drake Mayes to transfer), Fickell felt like he had to leave UC and get into the Big 10, no matter the recent track record of those programs.  Throw in a $3 million annual salary increase and a doubling of the budget for assistants and there was nothing UC could have done to keep him.  Still, Nebraska? 

Gumby Award (Prospective).  UC fans who find a reason to keep hating Brian Kelly for leaving “BEFORE THE BOWL GAME” and those who shrug about Fickell’s departure.  Circumstances are nearly identical – successful coach leaves for another team before UC played in a meaningless (non-championship/non- playoff bowl game).  Meanwhile, fans find reason to hate BK and ND 13 years after the fact for having set the template for what Fickell did.  I expect to see a parade of Pokey-riding Gumby’s trying to explain the difference when there is none other than the personalities of the two.

Out of the Blue (and Orange).  FC Cincinnati.  After finishing dead last during their first three years in MLS, FCC only lost one game over nearly three months en route to finishing fifth in their conference and qualifying for the playoffs.  They then won a playoff game on the road before succumbing 1-0 to the eventual runner up, Philadelphia Union.  Mark that stat – 2022 was the year two Cincy teams advanced in the playoffs after having none advance since 1995. 

Deserved Indifference.  Reds. They don’t care so we don’t care.

Ali-Frazier Award.  Argentina-France World Cup final.  Wow!  How good was that game?  Best game I have ever seen.  The last 15 minutes plus over time were incredible with punches and counter punches being thrown constantly.  I watched with Blair’s boyfriend and commented “I hope this game never ends.”  Saw some friends later and all six of us 60+ men had watched it and discussed it. There should be a growing future for soccer in the U.S. especially when the local baseball team does not care about its fans and is unable and unwilling to participate in the current salary insanity.

We Need A Tiger Comeback.   The PGA Tour.  A comeback is not happening for the crippled Eldrick.  But, name one winner of a major this year.  Yep, what I thought.  Even if I named them for you, you would only recognize Justin Thomas who I have Iong confused with Justin Rose.  The others are Scott Scheffler, Matt Fitzpatrick, and the mulleted Cameron Smith.  They are the Bob Goalbys and George Archers of the 21st Century.  Names on the trophies but not memorable and not sustaining fan interest.

Principles Are Expensive (and Admired).  Novak Djokovic.  Novak entered the year with Rafael Nadal for most major titles.  He was banned from playing in the Australian Open and the US Open because he was not vaccinated for Covid.  Djokovic was unwilling to inject himself with a vaccine that does not prevent infection nor transmission of a disease that was not a serious risk to his health.  Nadal won the Australian in Novak’s absence and also won the French as he always does.  Novak picked up Wimbledon.  He now trails Nadal by one major. 

Australia has dropped its vaccination requirement for visitors so he should be able to play there next month.  The US has kept its requirements in place for those arriving by air.   Meanwhile those walking in from Mexico are not subject to vaccination requirements while being encouraged to bring their families and friends. 

Sticking to Sports, in the TML satirical sense, as if the above was not enough.

Most Unwelcome Return.  Donald Trump.  Trump announced his 2024 Presidential candidacy at Mar El Lago last month in a ballroom where security personnel locked people in the room for the duration of the hour long announcement lest the optics look bad.  Last week, he sold NFT “trading cards” at $99 each with images of him, the most ludicrous of which was him in a Captain America costume.  Skipping over the other absurdities with the image, his thighs looked those of a speed skater (or Robert Newhouse, for fans of the 70s Dallas Cowboys).  Somehow the cards sold out and put $4.5 million in the election coffers of Trump. 

Man of the Year if Time Magazine Really Cared or People Read Time.  Elon Musk.   Time Magazine anointed Volodymry Zelensky as its Man of the Year, which used to be a big deal.  Sure, it is nice to praise the leader of a small country fighting a proxy war on our behalf and funded with $100 billion of US dollars against an inept and decrepit invader (see the NYT article on Sunday).  Meanwhile, Musk purchased Twitter and allowed us to peak into the shenanigans of Twitter and the FBI and the White House suppressing and banning inappropriate viewpoints.  If every American does not think that having 80 FBI agents monitoring jokes on Twitter is beyond the pale, we do not deserve a democracy.  He also allowed those previously banned people to be reinstated to the chagrin on many media members who preferred silencing viewpoints over allowing true free speech.

We Think Our Readers Are Stupid Award.   The NYT for saying that John Fetterman is a style icon.  Fetterman is the soon to be senator from PA who campaigned in a black hoody and baggy shorts.  He has no style in any sense of the definition.  In fact, after his election I walked to the local Goodwill store in Scottsdale to drop off my black hoodie because I did not want to wear anything he would wear.  The only thing more insulting to its subscribers would be if the NYT declared SBF as a style maven or the investment advisor of the year. 

Happy Comeback Affecting Only Me.  I used to work in the Provident Bank Tower as a young attorney.  This year, after 30 years away and 22 years in my previous space, I returned to the building now known as the KMK Law Building.  I could not be happier and pinch myself every day.  I love seeing my former co-workers in the elevators and lobby.  Change, even if reluctant, can be good.

Song of the Year.  It is actually from 2021, but it was my favorite this year and was re-issued on an expanded album this year.  Stop doing dishes, turn off the TV, grab your sweetie, and pull them close.  This is perfect for a Bull Durham-esque dance.  Morgan Wade’s “Take Me Away.”

Thanks for reading. Thanks to Doc for giving me the keyboard.  Merry Christmas and Happy New Year everyone. 

Now, then. . .

I’M SUPPOSED TO FOLLOW THAT? Here’s the Men Pick for tomorrow in Massachusetts:

The phrase “trap game’’ is redundant. Every game is a potential trap game in the NFL. It’s just how the game works. Any Give Sunday, Monday, Thursday and Saturday is an opportunity for Houston to beat somebody.

This week, I’m feeling uneasy queasy about The Men at Foxborough. The Patriots are thoroughly mediocre, undone by a couple bad, ego-driven offseason coaching moves. They have a playoff chance but it is slight and all it would mean would be a Round 1 roadie at, say, Buffalo.

Their best receiver would be Tyler Boyd’s caddy. Their once-promising 2nd-year QB has taken a major dive this year, partly because Bill Belichick decided it’d be a good idea to hire a defensive coach as his offensive coordinator. Matt Patricia is a Bill Buddy, whose star sank like a stone after a bad stint as the Lions head coach.

Under Josh McDaniels last season, Mac Jones looked capable at worst. Under Patricia and QBs coach Joe Judge this year? The Pats would die for capable. The clamor now in Boston is for Robert Kraft to read some riot act to Belichick in the offseason.

All of which suggests the Bengals will roll yet again Saturday. The Big Orange Machine crushes.

Not so fast, Bengal Boy.

There are issues. The secondary is beat up, Sam Hubbard is out, Trey Hendrickson is gutting through a broken wrist. The backups have played very well in recent weeks. But as Sparky Anderson once put it, “play back-ups enough, they’ll show you why they’re back-ups.’’

New England has arguably the best pass-rush tandem in the league. Matthew Judon has 14.5 sacks, Josh Uche 11, all of which have come in the last seven games. While the Bengals O-line has been good and no one gets the ball out more quickly than Burrow, the potential for sack-fumble disruption is there. Belichick has messed up the offense, but there’s nothing wrong with his touch on the defensive side.

Some stats to numb you:

Patriots pass rush ranks third in pressure rate, getting to the quarterback 37 percent of the time despite only ranking 21st in how often they blitz.

As for Mac Jones:

He’s 32nd in the league in QBR, 27th in Pro Football Focus’ rankings, 23rd in yards per game and 29th in expected points added per play plus completion percentage above expected.

I have no idea what that means. I’m guessing the guy who wrote it doesn’t, either. But it sounds important.

More than anything, it’s a gut feeling that this game is a blemish on the resume. Low-scoring, defense-dominated and the Pats defense is pretty good. I doubt the outcome will mean much in terms of playoff seeding.

Pats 16

Men 13

THE LOCAL QUASI-PRO BASEBALL TEAM cut Mike Moustakas, the living, breathing epitome of Dead Wood, and added Wil Myers, a warm body who’ll play OF and 1B. Good seats are still available for every Reds game for the next several decades.

Was Moustakas’ four-year, $64 million contract the worst Reds signing ever? The man got hurt, then returned from hurt looking like the Pillsbury Dough Boy. They’re paying that heap o’ self-rising crust $16 mil this year.

IMBIBER DAVE gets by with a little drink with his friend.

Was able to host a colleague here this week, and since it was his first time visiting in quite a few years, we had to walk him through the Cincy basics.

His hotel was at The Banks, so we grabbed a quick happy hour drink at The Filson, and even though their amazing patio is closed, the bar was still hopping. After a quick Rhinegeist Truth, we headed to Pearlstar for dinner.

I love oysters and was happy to have a like-minded friend to knock back a bunch with. A Tanqueray martini was the perfect sidekick for this meal.

To finish talking shop for the night, we took a quick walk to Sundry & Vice, where they always have new and creative cocktails to sample. Their take on a Negroni was superb, with variations on the gin and Campari. It’s very hard to accurately recreate drinks with this level of complexity, so I’m super thankful that they can take you on whatever imbibing adventure you are in the mood for.

Cheers!
cincybeerguydave@gmail.com

TUNE O’ THE DAY. . . Jay (Judge) Brinker hit you with a tune already, but this is TML, where tradition matters and tradition demands I cue up this gem which leaves me blubbering. And Jerry Springer on the bells. Have a wonderful holiday, Mobsters. And thank you.