Here's who The Bengals Will Pick!

Or, you know, maybe not

Do you think the Bengals will trade down?

Hey, everybody, it’s Draft Day! Time to roll outta the rack and do a little dance. The draft starts at 8 p.m. Eastern with a parade down every Main Street in America, a national fireworks show, a Beatles concert and a flyover featuring the entire United States Air Force!

Experts are predicting the Kansas River will part at precisely 7:59, allowing Roger Goodell to cross over into downtown KC, where the draft will be held. Jesus was told his Second Coming Address will have to wait.

The Bengals are 28th in line. Each team gets 10 minutes to make this year’s pick of the century. Expect each to use all 10 minutes, because after four months of dissecting prospects like the CIA vetts potential spies, they’ll still need every split second to make sure they got the pick right.

Let’s see: 27 picks before the Bengals, times 10 minutes a pick. That means — drum roll, trumpet fanfare, whoopee cushion! — the Bengals will be ON THE CLOCK at roughly 12:30 a.m. I’m not sure what sort of recognition should come to those who hang out until after midnight to find out whom Cincinnati will welcome into Zac’s Culture Club. Maybe a bowl of mock turtle soup.

Who might The Men tap?

Player personnel savant Duke Tobin says the team will pick Best Player Available, which is kind of a luxury. It suggests the Bengals have no urgent needs, which is true if you think Irv Smith is the answer at tight end. Or Drew Sample, a 5th-year guy who last year caught 2 passes for minus-2 yards.

Seems to me the Bengals will skip a tight end in Round 1 and just tell Saint Joe to do for Smith what he did for CJ Uzomah and Hayden Hurst, ie made them a Brink’s Truck full of Benjamins.

So, how ‘bout a safety, Mel?

Both starting safeties Jessie Bates and Vonn Bell opted to leave the Culture Club for greener pastures, figuratively speaking. I love my teammates, man, but not as much as I love my cabbage. The two starters now are Dax Hill and new guy Nick Scott. Scott started 16 games for the LA Rams last year, had 63 tackles and two picks on a team that ranked 21st in passing yards and points allowed.

Eh.

When it comes to drafting safeties, the Bengals are often careless.

The Fam generally and godfather Mike in particular have a history of not thinking highly of the importance of the safety position. Bates was an AP 2nd-team All Pro in 2020 but did not make the Pro Bowl. Before that, the last Cincy safety to receive any accolades was Pro Bowler Reggie Nelson in 2015. He left as a free agent immediately after.

Before Nelson, there were David Fulcher in ‘89 and Tommy Casanova in ‘77. Three Bengals safeties in 54 seasons, to make a Pro Bowl. Even Jermaine Gresham made the Pro Bowl twice.

So, no safety in Round 1.

An offensive lineman, maybe?

It’s never a bad idea to draft an offensive lineman in the first couple rounds. Well, unless that guy is Cedric Ogbuehi, Jake Fisher or Billy Price. Since taking Kevin Zeitler in Round 2 11 years ago, The Men haven’t exactly hit it outta the park when it comes to picking road graders. And that’s with giving hall passes to Jackson Carman and Jonah Williams.

Bengals.com scholar Geoff Hobson says they’ll take Northwestern OL Peter Skoronski, then in the next breath allows that Skoronski won’t be available. Which pretty much sums up the rampant futility of mock drafts everywhere.

The Bengals won’t trade up to draft a quarterback. They won’t do anything MelTodd McKiper suggest they do. They might trade out of Round 1 to stockpile picks, but probably they won’t.

Will mock turtle soup be served in the War Room?

Maybe the Men’ll donate the pick to charity. The United Way is always looking for centers who can run 40 yards in 5-flat.

Now, then. . .

So long, Jerry.

FAREWELL, JERRY SPRINGER. . . He died this morning. One of the wonders of Cincinnati is how such a seemingly sedate, conservative ville can produce such great characters. Jeff Ruby comes to mind. Si Leis, Marge Schott. And Jerry Springer. Springer was a character. A devoted liberal, a loud East Coaster. A guy who — all together now — paid a hooker with a check. Also, the mayor of Cincinnati and an anchor on a very successful local TV news team.

I saw him twice in the last 20 years. The first time was at The Flats in Cleveland, back when that area was still hoppin’ with music and bars. Jerry had a blonde on each arm, as Norma is my witness. He was smoking a cigar. He unhooked one of the blondes long enough to offer a handshake and a well wish.

Then maybe five years ago, I ran into him on St. Armand’s Key in Sarasota. Only one blonde that time. Times musta been tough. It was March. He asked me if I were down to cover the Reds in spring training. The Reds hadn’t trained in Florida for at least five years.

I did a story on Jerry once, for Ohio magazine. The premise was, “why would a smart, charismatic guy who enjoyed the political arena choose to be a carny on a TV talk show about men who cheated on their wives with their children?’’

Springer could have done some good in public office. Plus, writing a hooker a check gave him some serious politician bona fides. He took the easy, lucrative way out. I don’t recall his answer when I asked him about that. I do recall him saying there were times he regretted trading public service for cheap fame and bags of cash.

I recall, too, that I liked him immensely. Funny, self-deprecating, serious-minded except when in the footlights. RIP, Jerry. Hope there are blondes and cigars where you’re headed.

MEANTIME. . .

In baseball, you don’t know nothin’

— Yogi Berra

Sometimes it's easier to understand things than it is to figure them out.

— Casey Stengel

Don’t think, Meat. You’ll hurt the ballclub.

— Crash Davis.

Four days ago, you had to believe David Bell’s career as Reds manager was on a short leash. Through very little fault of his own, Bell was asked again in ‘23 to turn (stuff) into salad. The stuff was winning. Four Ls in a row to the Pirates, a hot 1st-place Texas team coming to the Small Park.

Then the Reds won three straight in Oscar-winning fashion and now have three games in Oakland, where major league baseball persists because it’s on the schedule.

Said it before, will say it again: If Bell isn’t here to run this team if/when it turns the corner, it will be an injustice. We’ve seen what he can do with a, well, uh, er, a roster of aspirational try-hards. Let’s give him a chance with a group with playoff talent.

Meantime, Pittsburgh just beat up on the Dodgers to get to 17-8, tied for best record NL. Take bows, Messrs. Berra, Stengel and Davis.

PROGRAMMING NOTE. . . Don’t be shy, fellow hacks. Because I am generous (and lazy) I have openings for future Friday Hemingways. Lemme know if you’re interested by sharing with me an idea or two of what you might say. Email to pdoc53@gmail.com

TUNE O’ THE DAY. . . These guys are best known for raucous, blues-based anthems. This tune ain’t that, but it’s my favorite by them. If you can get past the goofy lyrics, the melody is fetching.