Hemingway Saves Baseball!

Noted TML author levels the rich-v-poor playing field

Today’s Hemingway is Carl Evanson. Born and raised in Indiana, he knows the thrills of victory after celebrating IU’s recent win in West Lafayette (and the agony of defeat after the recent home loss to Iowa). A transplanted tri-stater and Walter Mitty wannabe, he has written several novels, plays, and scripts for TV movies. 

Today, he offers a solution to Baseball’s economic mess.

In a distant galaxy, far, far away, a university Public Relations professor gave his graduate students the following assignment:

“Mr. Phil Castellini shot himself in the foot on Opening Day 2022 and hit the other foot with similar remarks several weeks ago. To no one’s surprise, Reds fans reacted with anger and vitriol.

“The passage of time has given me a fresh perspective on this. It’s easy for me to complain about the team not doling out tens of millions for better players. But it is not my money. If it were, I’d have VERY serious reservations (and sleepless nights) if I spent that sort of money.

“The playing field for the Reds ownership is not level. Anyone in Phil’s position would be angry and justifiably so. Reds ownership is backed into a corner and has reacted like a cornered coyote.

“Sometimes large-scale cultural change happens because of war. Other times, a charismatic personality can change the course of history. But we’ve seen recently that the small actions of nameless individuals can have an impact when they act in concert.

“Remember how we used to view drunkenness? In the black-and-white sitcoms of the 1950s and 60s, being drunk was something to laugh at. But the united efforts of countless Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD) stiffened the penalties for driving while intoxicated and saved countless lives as a result.

“Likewise, the Hollywood casting couch was an open secret and tolerated. But the #metoo movement, driven by untold numbers of people, has completely changed that.

“Mothers Against Drunk Driving and the #metoo movement changed the world. Can those strategies save baseball?

“Mr. Castellini needs such a movement for his team. If fans nationwide unite and pick up the torch and campaign against the handful of ultra-rich owners (and, yes, the players union), can we see a positive change that would benefit not only the Reds, but all the other smaller market teams?

“Your assignment is to create a similar plan for the salvation of MLB. Our position is that baseball is better with 30 MLB-caliber teams instead of 10 good teams owned by rich oligarchs and 20 other Triple-A teams (as things are now).

Here is our solution:

1.       We will create a team of baseball legends to help make our case. Imagine having Bob Costas, Albert Pujols, Willie Mays, Mike Schmidt, Greg Maddux, Cal Ripken, George Brett, Ken Griffey, and others barnstorming the nation, promoting our cause. The periodic public appearance events with this group will generate a lot of interest and support.

2.       We will have a nationwide contest for fans to come up with a slogan for our campaign. This will drive publicity for our cause and engage the public in our mission. To help fuel creativity, here are 4 suggested slogans that chatGPT came up with:  

a.       "Equal Play, Fair Pay: End the Disparity in MLB Payrolls Now!"

b.       "Fair Play for All: End Payroll Disparity in Major League Baseball!"

c.       "Fair play starts with fair pay: End the disparity in MLB team payrolls now!"

d.       "Fair Play, Fair Pay: End the Disparity in MLB Team Payrolls!"

3.       We will print the winning slogans on T-shirts, sell the shirts and the profits will be donated to a charity (to be named later). We’ll do all this in a very transparent way. Our campaign is not to enrich ourselves but to save the national pastime. Unlike MLB teams, our books will be open.

4.       We will encourage the media to use accurate verbs in describing game summaries. It will no longer be “The Mets beat the Pirates 14-2 Friday.” Instead, it will be “The Mets bought a victory from Pittsburgh; their $300+ millions payroll was no match for the Pirates $60 million payroll.”

5.       We’ll sponsor a contest on YouTube to get a younger demographic on our side. The contest will ask people to create a commercial that promotes a more level playing field for ALL 30 teams. Can you imagine a short video showing some kindergarteners discussing fairness and showing YouTube viewers how happy everyone is when they all share? And, perhaps someone will create another commercial showing the selfish bullying of a larger child (representing, of course, the 10 rich oligarch owners). We will put measures in place to ensure that all submissions are in good taste. For example, we will not allow entries depicting the assassination of certain owners. We will maintain a decorum of decency and not lower ourselves to name-calling, etc.

6.       We will privately communicate with the players union to convince them that – in the long run – it will be in their interests to acquiesce to a fairer salary plan. (And we’ll avoid the toxic word cap.) For example, even if he makes the Hall of Fame, Elly De La Cruz will find no market for his endorsements if MLB continues on its current trajectory – in the not so distant future MLB may go the way of the Edsel. We will appeal to the players’ sense of fairness and point out that everyone gets more pie when the pie is bigger; we don’t need to fight for the largest slice.

This is just one team’s idea. Imagine what would happen if the intellect and power of the TML Mobsters were harnessed! The above ideas would be refined. New, better suggestions would spring forth. We could save MLB!!!

Can we save baseball? Or is it too late? What do the Mobsters say? 

Now, then. . . back to regularly scheduled Doc-gramming.

TODAY’S SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE. . .

NFL Draft Combine description: Never is so much said and written by so many who know so little.

NFL Draft Combine description, as stated by Duke Tobin:

“You want a great receiver, go find your own.”

We avoided mentioning the Tee Higgins trade rumors in This Space because they were stupid and we try very hard here (with middling success) not to be stupid. It can be hard during the Combine, which is the NFL’s Home Office For Stupid. It’s good there are sober-minded people such as Tobin to help keep us sane.

“I’m not in the business of making other teams better,’’ Tobin added. It was a line he’s used before, but it’s still very good.

The Combine is a testament to the league’s overarching popularity. The NFL’s ability to own news cycles in March is impressive. Equally impressive is its talent for making the drafting of a 350-pound, 6th-round tackle seem like vetting a secret agent man.

“Do you now, or have you ever, put ketchup on your scrambled eggs?’’

NFL assistant coach: “We liked your Wonderlic score, Fred. But we’re a little concerned with your time in the 40-yard dash.’’

Fred: “I’m a guard, sir.’’

I heard speculation on the radio this AM that former Ohio State stud QB CJ Stroud might have hurt his “draft stock’’ by not attending the Manning Passing Academy. Oh, dear. I hope it doesn’t wreck his career. Hopefully, he can win back some cred in the cone drill.

Duke Tobin, de facto Bengals GM, did say something interesting on Tuesday, though. When somebody asked him if the Men might cut Joe Mixon, Tobin said, “I don't have the answers. In the words of the great Kevin Malone (a character from The Office), 'I don't know’.’’

Decent response. I’d have gone with Mr. Hand’s I Don’t Know Answer to Jeff Spicoli in Fast Times at Ridgemont High. But it’s a minor quibble.

Mixon had a lackluster year this year, but he’s one season removed from running for 1,205 yards and 13 TDs, while ranking 3rd in the league in carries. He’ll turn just 27 in July.

It says more about how the league views RBs now than about Mixon’s ability. Running backs are not a priority. Yahoo:

Thirty-five picks elapsed before a team drafted a running back last year. Twenty-three slots went by before the Pittsburgh Steelers selected Najee Harris in 2021. No running back has been drafted top 20 since the New York Giants selected Saquon Barkley second overall in 2018.

In 2023’s NFL, you want a great QB and people who can defend great QBs, followed very closely by people who can protect great QBs. RBs are nowhere in that mix. Mixon is not a good blocker, either.

It seems almost foregone now that the Bengals will cut Mixon, create cap space and take their chances in the draft or free agency. It’s truly amazing, mini-shelf life of an NFL running back. Even one as proficient as Mixon has been.

TUNE O’ THE DAY. . . Speaking of secret agent men. . .