And then Satan said to Lucifer. . .

Let's rig that Bengals-KC game

ONE LAST TAKE AND WE’LL LET IT GO. . .

Tell me how it works.

I read all day Monday that the NFL somehow choreographs postseason outcomes to engineer higher TV ratings. Because the Bengals don’t play in Metropolis or have a verifiable Superman, their ratings don’t rate. The NFL tells its officials to screw The Men.

Hmmm. That’s really interesting.

Tell me how it works.

Is this some sort of wack cabal? Do Roger Goodell and his minions belong to a cult? Do they meet in a pizza parlor? I really hope they’re not worshipping Satan and kidnapping children. Tell me how it works.

What? You can’t? You just. . . know?

Can you at least give me a hint? I’ll try to help. . .

Every Tuesday at 2:30 a.m. during the season, the commissioner, the chiefs of every officiating crew and three guys named Lucifer, Diablo and Duke (he’s the blue one) gather at a restaurant in Hell’s Kitchen, Manhattan, to bang Bloody Marys and plot how to rig NFL football games. Diablo brings along his wife Linda Blair. No one has a problem with this, especially when Linda does that really cool, 360-thing with her head.

Goodell convenes the meeting, saying, “Please allow me to introduce myself’’ before biting the head off a chicken.

First, they decide which games to fix.

“Cincinnati-KC,’’ Lucifer says.

“Hell, yeah,’’ Duke says.

Once that’s settled, they turn to discussing how to pull it off.

Goodell suggests a questionable intentional grounding call on Joe Burrow, late in a tie game. “Innocuous, inconspicuous, easy to pull off,’’ the commissioner explains. Satan says, “Cool.’’

Other possible bad calls are discussed. “How ‘bout we pay off a Cincy linebacker to hit Patrick Mahomes late? Maybe that could get the Chiefs close enough for a very makeable field goal,’’ says Lucifer.

“You’re hot,’’ says Linda, before projectile-hurling last night’s pea soup.

Goodell has one final notion, the coup de grace. “Listen to this,’’ he says. “We give Kansas City. . . a 5th down!’’

Diablo’s so jazzed, one of his horns spontaneously combusts. “How do we do that, Rog?’’ he wants to know.

“Easy,’’ says Rog. “We keep the game clock running after an incomplete pass. We make it so loud, no one can hear the back judge blowing his whistle to kill the play. The Chiefs don’t convert on 3rd-and-long, but they get a do-over because of the clock screw-up.’’

Everyone agrees this is brilliant.

“Just for good measure, we throw in an uncalled block in the back on a long KC punt return and, course, the always dependable no-call on offensive holding,’’ says Goodell.

“And a bogus pass-interference at a crucial moment!’’ says Linda, who by now is levitating six feet above the conference table.

“All we need now is the perfect crew of strong, silent refs, same as always,’’ says Goodell. “The reason we’ve been able to rig games for half a century is because no official has ever copped to it.’’ Goodell proceeds to offer a brief history of how the rigged games almost always have screwed the Bengals.

“We hate them,’’ says Goodell.

“Amen,’’ says Duke before realizing in horror what he’d just uttered.

“WHAT DID YOU SAY?!’’ scream the assembled multitude.

Duke apologizes, sheepishly.

Linda has a question. “Rog, why do we even need to do this anymore? The NFL is a colossus and it’s still growing. Thirty of the top 31 TV shows of all time are Super Bowls.’’

“That GD MASH finale,’’ Lucifer mutters.

“The game has drawn fewer than 130 million viewers exactly once in the last 23 years,’’ Linda continues. “Why do we still have to worry about picking the sexiest teams?’’

Goodell bursts out laughing. Linda’s tongue has tripled in size and she has just flung some poor stooge named Merrin through the plate-glass window of the pizza joint.

“Why?’’ Goodell asks. “Because we can.’’

Now, then. . .

AND YOU JUST KNOW SOMEONE WILL READ THE ABOVE AND SAY, ‘SEE, I TOLD YOU IT WAS RIGGED.’

NEXT YEAR? Most of the core will be back. What happens with Bates, Bell, Apple, Hurst, Perine, Pratt and. . . Anarumo?

From Yahoo:

The Arizona Cardinals requested to interview Lou Anarumo for their vacant head coach position hours after the Bengals lost to the Kansas City Chiefs in the AFC championship game, according to NFL Network's Peter Schrager.

The Cardinals, are one of four teams still searching for a new head coach after firing Kliff Kingsbury in early January. The Houston Texans are reportedly the frontrunners to hire San Francisco 49ers defensive coordinator DeMeco Ryans. That would leave the Cardinals, the Indianapolis Colts and the Denver Broncos as the only teams currently without head coaches.

Arizona also interviewed Ryans, as well as current defensive coordinator Vance Joseph, Detroit Lions defensive coordinator Aaron Glenn, Broncos defensive coordinator Ejiro Evero and Pittsburgh Steelers senior defensive assistant Brian Flores. The big fish is, of course, former New Orleans Saints coach Sean Payton, whom the Cardinals spoke with on Jan. 23.

Players are almost always more important to keep than coaches, but maybe not in this case. There is a decent chance that Uncle Lou will be back, if only because he’s only recently become an A-lister on the Rising Coaches Meter. This time next year seems more likely for Anarumo.

The secondary could have a big makeover. Do you need Eli Apple when you have Taylor-Britt? Does Dax Hill replace Jessie Bates? Whom do the Bengals pay?

They didn’t lose much talent or chemistry after last season. This one? The NFL’s wide socialist net doesn’t always work to a team’s benefit.

NOT JUST ANOTHER PRETTY FACE. . . Not a huge podcast guy, but I have a few favorites, incliuding This American Life. I finally got around to listening to this one. Wow.

It’s about how Ohio has “tried’’ to fix gerrymandering. Maybe you were aware of this Bozo show. I was not. If you’ve got some time, give it a listen. It’ll open your eyes and make you wanna holla/throw up both your hands.

BOOK NOOK. . .

What, Doc?

Yeah. Sorry. WHAT I’M READING NOW. . .

The Mosquito Bowl is about a football game played by a bunch of island-hopping Marines near the bloody end of WWII. Trash-talking about who could play and who could not led to a game played just before the invasion of Okinawa, between the 4th and 29th Marine regiments. Of the 65 soliders who took part, 15 would die on Okinawa.

Buzz Bissinger wrote it. He’s fantastic telling the story. The book is not much about football, of course. It’s about a small moment in time, giving context to who we were as a people during the dire days of that war.

Most of the players had played in college, many at the highest level. Their stories are carefully told. Bissinger is the guy who wrote Friday Night Lights. TML sez ckitout and prepare to be engrossed.

TUNE O’ THE DAY. . . A tune that never fails to put me in a good mood. Solo-wise, George was the best Beatle, IMO. John was a little too Yoko-weird, Paul way too treacly. I mean, Silly Love Songs? C’mon.

I love You.