Don't Be So Cynical

Even if the Bengals give you no choice

Cynicism is an acquired trait.

Nobody emerges from the womb questioning Santa Claus or declaring the Bengals will never win a Super Bowl. You pick that stuff up along the way, like gum on the soles of your shoes. There are a lot of gummy shoes around here.

It’s hard not to be both a cynic and a fan in this town. It’s not impossible. My pal Bengal Boy is never without his rose-colored glasses when the subject is The Men. Just yesterday, BB texted me this, during a conversation re the Bengals current injury issues:

Last year, “their O-line (played) as if 4 starters were out for the season and they still went to the Super Bowl.’’ BB’s a rare breed. His incurable optimism is as refreshing as it is ridiculous. Most of the rest of us wear the armor of cynicism.

If you’re a sports writer, cynicism can keep you from looking stupid or, worse, homer-ish. It might be true that deep down, most scribe-hacks are homers. It’s also true that my credibility is more important than any athlete’s feelings.

Cynicism is a survival tool, no different than fresh batteries or a case of water in the car trunk. We need it around here.

I’ve picked the Men to win seven times this fall, a strange stat for a guy much accused of cynicism and negativity. I’ve waited and waited for the Bengals to be the team they claimed (and I believed) they’d be. I’ve bent so far backwards in that belief, I should be in traction by now.

They’ve rewarded my optimism by making me look foolish. As a football picker, I’m a cricket fan.

Cynicism is a corrosive trait. Except, maybe, in sports, which tend not to play by life’s rules. So much of sports is intangible (how the ball bounces), cosmic (the rub of the green) and inexplicable (Bengals lose by 19 to Browns). What you think you know about sports is never an indicator of what you really know. Which isn’t much.

Put it like this. Yogi did:

“In baseball, you don’t know nothing.’’

I don’t want to be cynical, I swear. The older I become, the less I feel like being a skeptic, a naysayer, a getoffamylawn guy. And I’m not so stupid that I don’t know that life is good, occasionally damned good.

Cynicism disrupts the goodness flow. It’s part of the reason our country is where it is now. Who’s not cynical about politicians? Betcha Aaron Judge was using something.

I learned cynicism from coaches who lied to me and players who played me and boyhood idols who failed me. Spend your role-model dreams on your parents, kids.

And still, I’m thinking of getting off that train. I want to believe in something. I want to take something from the games beyond who wins and who doesn’t. Sports is uplift. Or is supposed to be.

Maybe that’s why I thought the Bengals would be 7-1 by now. And why I’m still not cynical enough not to be irritated by their complete inactivity at the trade deadline, even as half their players are walking like Captain Ahab. Even the Steelers made a deal in hopes of improving their miserable club.

“I don’t create the reality. I reflect it.’’ I’ve used that line dozens of times over the seasons, to players and coaches not pleased with my cynicism. You play good, I write good. Your call.

It’d be nice if they played good around here, more often than not. They don’t. I don’t like my cynicism. I like it less all the time. But I do find it useful.

Now, then. . .

STICK TO SPORTS. . . Who the hell do these people think they are? AP:

A federal judge on Tuesday ordered armed members of a group monitoring ballot drop boxes in Arizona to stay at least 250 feet away from the locations following complaints that people wearing masks and carrying guns were intimidating voters. The 250 foot (76 meter) perimeter around drop boxes also applies to group members wearing body armor.

Sheriff’s deputies have been providing security around the two outdoor drop boxes in Maricopa County after a pair of people carrying guns and wearing bulletproof vests showed up at a box in the Phoenix suburb of Mesa.

They’re a bunch of GI Joe wannabes, pseudo-tough guys doubting their own masculinity? Could be. I don’t care about that. I do care that their deliberately uninformed foolishness threatens our way of life.

The Deniers are crazy. Let’s just say that. They’re batsh— nuts. It might be a calculated crazy (talk about cynical). It might be a lazy crazy. Look at the facts, folks. Biden won. It might be just a bunch of losers unhappy with their lives, who need someone else to blame for their misery.

It’s not a crime to be obtuse. But the biggest problem facing us now is a crisis of intellect, because it informs every decision we make. When we choose to ignore facts because they don’t play into our way of thinking, we’ve got a problem. Not only do we give cred to election deniers. We’re about to put a bunch of them in power.

While we’re at it, what kind of low stupidity explains the words and deeds of folks who make jokes about an 82-year-old man being bashed in the head by an intruder’s hammer? We’re losing our way.

I PICKED HOUSTON. IN FIVE GAMES. Of course I did. I didn’t figure there’d be any way the Phillies (6th-best team in the NL, a .500 club most of the year) could beat the Astros twice, let alone four out of seven. The Phils’ strength is the longball. Houston’s strength was everything else, including a pitching staff that was 2nd-best in baseball at limiting longballs. Naturally, the Phillies are sending rockets red-glaring all over Citizens Bank Park. AP:

According to ESPN Stats & Information research, Philly became the first team to hit five home runs in the first five innings of a World Series game. Of teams that have hosted at least 20 postseason games in their current ballpark, the Phillies have the best record; they’re 21-9 (.700) all-time at Citizens Bank Park. This year, they’re undefeated at home in the postseason.

I still think Houston has the better team and if Cristian Javier can somehow bail them out tonight, the Astros will win the Series. But how likely does that seem now, after last night?

TUNE O’ THE DAY. . . Seems appropriate. Frequent Perusers will recall my appreciation for the pipes of the late Teddy Pendergrass.